Look, let’s just be honest here folks. We like to pretend like Facebook is made for keeping in touch with friends or poking bitches or whatever, but everybody knows what FB is *really* about. Stalking the shit out of people. Oh, you don’t think so? So you’re tryna tell me that you don’t have that one person whose profile you check like a parole officer, and who’s status updates you try to break down and analyze? Bullshit. Matbe it’s an ex, maybe somebody you have a crush on, maybe someone you’re jealous of.

Me, I got about a  good six or seven people on my stakeout list. One of them is this girl that I’ve never even met. Yeah, you heard me right. I only vaguely know of her through some of my other friends. She liked my status once and that’s literally all the interaction that we’ve ever had, but if you think that keeps me from lurking on her page like Chester the fucking molester, then you are sadly mistaken. I don’t know what it is about her! I’m not GAY or anything, but she is really very pretty and she seems so cool man. Her status updates are hella funny and I don’t know…she seems a lot like me. My twin in a parallel universe. I kind of want to just smoke a blunt with her or something. I feel like we would be great friends. I fully understand that I sound like a hell of an unstable psycho about this, but I can only be me and me creeps around on random strangers, so take it or leave it.

Anyways, what I’m trying to make you understand here is that stalking is the business, and you should never be ashamed. The weird thing is, I love to Facebook stalk other people, but I hate to think about someone lurking on my page. It’s like, I can dish it out but I can’t take it. Maybe it’s because I don’t understand why anyone would be interested in my boring ass life, or maybe it’s because I watch entirely too much To Catch a Predator on NBC, but I just feel like okay, I know that I’m not a crazy person or a pervert so I feel okay about my own stalkage. But I don’t know your life. So don’t anybody dare start creeping me, because I AM MOST DEFINITELY WATCHING YOU. good afternoon!

why do i feel like...somebody's waaattccchhhinnnn meeee

Yeah that’s right. I am a hater. And so are you, and everybody you know. I know what you’re thinking. You’re like “Bitch, I ain’t no hater. I HAVE haters, but I’m not one”. Well, first of all, don’t call me a bitch, and second of all that’s your problem right there. You think that you have haters, when nobody even cares about you enough to waste their hatred energy on your wack ass. And the thing that angers me is, like, people actually welcome haters. I blame rap music for this

But for real though.  People are always like “I love my haters!” or “Hi Haters!” or “Haters make me famous!” And I just don’t understand…like do you WANT haters? If so, why? Look, I understand that sometimes people don’t like you or have problems with you or whatever. And when that happens, there’s usually not a lot you can do to make them like you, so the best thing to do is just give ‘em that Kanye shrug and leave it alone. But come on. I refuse to believe that the average person has this constant stream of people that are jealously talking about them all the time. I believe that people just pretend to have all these haters because it makes them feel important or something. They think like, the more haters they have the better they’re doing in life. And that, sir or madame, is some bullshit.

Let me tell y’all something. I don’t love haters. I hate haters. (see what I did there?) I don’t buy into this whole prevalent mentality that I’m not cool unless I don’t give a fuck what other people think. Because you guys, I really do give a fuck. I want people to like me. I try my best not to let it influence my life too much, or make me do anything out of character or whatever, and I think I do a pretty good job of that, but the truth is I care whether or not you like me and I ‘m man enough to admit it. And I don’t think I’m being like a groundbreaking revolutionary or anything because I know everybody cares to some degree, but they all just act like they don’t. And I’m here to tell you, it’s okay to care you guys. You don’t have to show off your love of “haters” to prove that you’re not worried what other people have to say about you. Because you are worried. You want other people to like you, just like I do. It’s okay. Come cry on my shoulder, you little pussy. We’ll get through this together.

Oh, and BIG UPS to all my haaatttteeerrrrs! hahahaha good night guys

Today we’re gonna talk about a Bitch Saying that is probably one of my biggest pet peeves and if you know me at all, you know that’s a big accomplishment because I have a bigger list of little things that piss me off than fucking Bill O’ Reilly. I know everybody knows or has heard a girl say before that “All my friends are guys, because girls  have too much drama” or something like that. You guys, that is bullshit. I get so angry when I hear that, because it is SO obvious that the broad who said is a) just saying that to make herself seem cool or b) she is ONE of those girls with too much drama, and no other females want to be around her. Look, I’m not saying that a girl can’t have a majority of guy friends. I definitely have a disproportionate ratio of male to female associates. But I don’t try to put that off on all other girls being bitches and having drama. I just grew up with two slightly older brothers, became friends with all of their friends, worked at 3 male-dominated jobs, and have always been somewhat of a tomboy. So I guess my interests are more synced up with traditional guy interests in that I like to play video games and smoke weed and jump off of buildings and shit and football is way more than a game to me. Also, guys are usually funnier than girls.  And I’m sure there are lots of  chicks like me, and thats cool. Awesome even. BUT HOWEVER. I have plenty of female friends too. My very best friend has a vagina. I have never had a problem getting along with girls, even though sometimes I swear I don’t understand them any more than guys do. There are always gonna be people, male or female, that share your interests and are compatible with you as friends. Not all girls are the same, just how not all guys are the same.  Which is why I hate how the bitches that say this make it sound like females are the only ones capable of having drama or stabbing you in the back. Trust me y’all, sometimes niggas can be bigger bitches than bitches. You can’t just say that you don’t hang out with ANY girls because they ALL have drama, cuz that shit’s just not true

So like I was saying a minute ago, girls say this to sound cool. They think that by casting themselves as one of the guys or whatever, it’s like they’re automatically better than all those stupid regular ass girls that actually have other female friends. Like they understand guys better, and are all unique and not like other girls! Uhm, nah. It’s like you can physically see these bitches brains melting as they try too fucking hard. And I hate to say this, but they’re probably doing more than just hanging out with these guys, if you know what I mean…eh? Eh? *wiggles eyebrows*

They’re probably fucking them, is what I mean

So, a lot of the time these hoes are just lying about not chilling with other girls. They have just as many female friends as the next broad, but they want to seem cool and different. But then sometimes they really don’t have any female friends. And it’s more than likely because they are jealous, overly dramatic, backstabbing, socially awkward sluts, not because there’s something wrong with every other woman in the world. That’s why nobody wants to be their friend. Oh, and going back to the part about wanting to be cool and different? It’s not different if all the other hoes are doing it too. CHANGE YOUR WAYS PEOPLE. thankyouandgoodnight

So, I love to have to fun. I know that seems stupid to say, because who doesn’t love to have fun?Actually, you would be surprised.

Everyone says they love to have fun, but not that many people actually do it. Yeah, I know that different people have different ideas of fun, so just because somebody doesn’t think trying to catch Skittles and gummie worms in their mouth is fun like I do, that doesn’t mean they’re lame or anything. It actually probably means that I’m the lame one. But I thought  everyone agreed that having fun=smiling and laughter. So I don’t understand why everybody isn’t hilarious and cracking jokes all the time. Laughter is what Life is made of, you guys! That’s why they both start with the same letter.

I guess what I’m trying to say in a roundabout way here is that I love the funny. Not to brag or anything but uh, the Kid has been known to make people around her laugh really hard every so often. And the thing is, I’m not even FUNNY funny most of the time. I’m corny funny, goofy funny, lame funny, and WTF funny, but very rarely am I funny in the traditional clever, witty sense although I do have my moments! I’m sorry, I’m rambling. What I’m saying is that the key to making people laugh is to make yourself laugh first. Me, I crack myself up on a daily basis. Why, just this morning I had a sidesplitting one sided conversation with my neighbor’s dog that had me rolling breathlessly on the floor with tears streaming down my eyes. Was it really that funny? Doubt it! But I believed in myself and my ability to be hilarious, I made myself laugh, and therefore I thought I was funny. Which in turn led me to convince other people that I was funny, and now everyone wants to hang out with me and be my friend because they are always inexplicably laughing and smiling in my presence.  Yeah. If you wanna be cool as the Kid, you gotta put in work. SOOO find something to make you laugh and then make it make other people laugh, feel me?

  <—-this lady has me DYIN all the time

6. Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds by the Beatles—> Would you guys believe that I have never listened to the Beatles stoned before? I know, I know it’s unacceptable and I really am ashamed. It’s on my list of things to do in the near future. And I think this is probably gonna be the song that I start with, because the woozy organ and tambourine action and Paul McCartney telling me about tangerine trees, marmalade skies, and girls with kalaidescope eyes make me feel like I’m halfway to Mars already. Supposedly, the song is about an LSD trip, so I’m gonna take that as John Lennon imploring me to listen to this song on a blunt of Afghan Kush from beyond the grave. I can’t fuck with LSD though. I’m not that hard core.

7. Weezy’s Ambitons by Lil’ Wayne—->Wayne is so frustrating sometimes. But whenever I get upset with his ear bleeding attempts at “rock” or his corny syrup crazed non sequiturs on his last 5 mixtapes, I just go back and listen to this song from the mixtape classic Dedication 2, and I’m back to fucking loving Weezy’s psycho ass. How could I do otherwise when he has lines like “The women say damn, the men don’t say a damn thing, boy I bet that shotty make you bounce like a bed spring”, and tells me to keep my bitch ass lines inside the margins? All this over Tupac’s classically dope “Ambitionz az a Rydah” beat. Oh, Mr. Carter, how you make me swoon. I’ll never let my bitch ass lines escape the margins, all for you.

8. Brown Sugar by The Rolling Stones—-> It might be slightly sick and disgusting, but I kind of have a crush on Mick Jagger. Like, even now when he’s older than the fucking grand canyon and looks a lot like one of those crunchy leaves that you go out of your way to step on when walking across your yard. I think my infatuation may have something to do with his filthy richness, giant lips, hard partying former rockstar ways, and most importantly the endearingly racist lyrics to this song. “Brown sugar, how come you taste so good, brown sugar, just like a black girl should”. Of course black girls should taste great! They’re scrumptious snacks, not people. Just knowing that Mick Jagger believes that I am morally obligated to have a delicious black girl flavor about myself makes me want to let him have a little taste. That was disgusting, please accept my apology.

9. Where is my Mind by the Pixies—-> One of my favorite songs, for sure. The lulling acoustic guitar met with the clashing rock chords? The haunting, ethereal wailing in the background? Black Francis’ tortured boy voice asking me where my mind is? Yeah, I don’t even have anything sarcastic or hilarious to say about this song. It’s just hella great. Sorry for saying hella.

10. What They Want by Young Jeezy—> When I tell you my love for Young Jeezy has no limits, I’m mostly lying because there is some stuff that he’s done that I deem unforgivable, like collaborate with Ciara. But whenever I want to hear witty, gritty wordplay about the making and distribution of cocaine, Young Jeezy is my go-to guy. A big reason why I love “What They Want”, from his magnum opus album The Recession so much is just so I can proudly sing along to the hook. “If Young is what they want, then Young is what they gettin! Ask me what I do, I tell ‘em teach it for a livin!” That’s what I yell out while bouncing around my living room and making various hand gestures whenever this song comes on, except I replace “Young” with my name. I try to do  The Young One’s signature rasp too, but I already know I sound spectacularly retarded on that front. But yeah….the trademark Jeezy beat soaring strings and horns are all there. Also, each verse is a different extended sports metaphor for the drug trade! Deep shit you guys.

Well it looks like I’m done with my first Playlistism. I would like to thank the Haters, and also in the future my playlistisms will only consist of five each, because doing 10 at once is a lot of  time and effort and the Kid is way too lazy for that shit. Tomorrow I’m gonna talk about tatoos. It’s gonna be a hell of a party. Run along now

As you know, because I’ve told you before, music is a huge part of my life. I mean, I know it’s pretty important to most people so I’m not being special or different by making that statement, but ….holy shit. I just feel like I love music more than anyone else on the planet. Literally the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning is what I’m gonna listen to that day. And when I hear a great song for the first time, when I discover that new music that speaks to my soul, it is the most amazing feeling ever. Better than crazy sex, or a fucking scrumptious meal, or even falling asleep on my best friend’s bed that I know for a fact is filled with clouds and rainbows instead of springs or cotton or whatever, its that comfortable. So I think you’ll agree that it’s only right that I should share my love of music with the world by telling you just exactly what it is the Kid is listening to these days, via shuffling the shit out of my iPod and talking about the first 10 songs that come up. Are you as excited as I am about this? No, because that’s not even possible. I’m bouncing up and down on my bed as I speak, making my computer  jiggle. But anyways…!!! lessgooooo

1. I’m a Lady by Santogold—-> Santogold is great. I always love to see a black girl doing something besides R&B. Not that there’s anything wrong with R&B, but it’s just so expected that if you’re a young black female artist, then that’s all you can do. Santogold’s rock/electronica/new wave/pop/ genre bending will show you haters. And this happens to be one of my favorite songs of hers. I believe she’s talking about fucking with someone elses boyfriend and then realizing she’s too hot and classy to be doing something so shameful and ending it,  but maybe that’s just me projecting my personal experiences.

2. Mr. Me Too by the Clipse——> OMG do I love the Thornton bros. They make intelligent dopeboy music, which is all anyone could ask for, right?  “Mr. Me Too”  is a sharp ass song, because it talks about one of my personal pet peeves: bandwagon hop-on bitches and bastards who claim whatever is the hot new trend. “Yup, Ok, we get it, yeah you too. Come on everybody, and meet Mr. Me Too” . That’s what Pusha T said to their wack asses. And it’s over a signature futuritic-bounce Neptunes beat, so what the fuck is not to love?

3. Beautiful World by Coldplay—–> look, I know people make fun of Coldplay for being wimpy and using gay piano chords way too much, but I love them and I think Chris Martin is kinda dreamy, so y’all can fuck right on off. That said, the combination of acoustic strings cut by sharp pulsing guitar lines on “Beautiful World” has a strange depressing effect, so even though Chris is telling me that we’re living in a beautiful world and life is worth the trouble, I still feel a little bit like cutting my hair sideways and wearing 3 pounds of eyeliner after hearing this. Really good song though.

4. Real Love by Mary J. Blige- MJB you guys! She’s the queen of making songs that both make you wanna cry and key the shit out of your ex’s car. This song is an R&B classic, everyone loves it and if you don’t then you’re not really a person. It’s kind of the opposite of the Coldplay song, because it has a nice bouncy bass beat that samples old school hip hop duo Audio Two with a synth line that kind of makes you think of carousel music at the fair or something, but then Mary is mourning in her soulful pain filled voice about how her heart got broken and now she has to start all over looking for something she thought she already had. And that something was real love. The relatability is killing me man

5. The Most Beautiful Girl in the World by Prince—–> Oh man. Everybody already knows I love Prince unconditionally, and could sit there and listen to him talk about nasty, freaky, unspeakable things all day long baby. This song, however, isn’t nasty at all. It’s fucking beautiful. The Purpled One crooning in his crazy falsetto “Could you be the most beautiful girl in the world? It’s plain to see that you’re the reason God made a girl” just does things to me. If any of my boyfriends thought to play that for me romantically on my birthday or something, they would have most definitely gotten the business as soon as the song ended. And then I woulda wifed that ass up. Really, it’s that serious

Ok, I know I said ten, but this takes way longer and requires much more thought than you could imagine, plus I’m a liar.  So I’ll just do part II tomorrow, I think that’s best for everybody. Thanks you guys, this was great. *chucks that deuce*

So anyways, I know everyone always talks about how society puts way too much value on physical appearance and how beauty is only skin deep and you can’t judge a book by it’s cover and true beauty lies within etc., and I’m not saying that stuff isn’t true,  because it totally is. You really CAN’T just look at a hot sexy person and assume that they’re hot and sexy on the inside, because there’s a big possibility that they are hideous and wiggedy wack on the inside. And when it comes all the way down to it, being attractive on the inside really is the only thing that matters because eventually were all gonna be old as shit, covered in wrinkles & drooping jaws, tragically toothlesss and not remotely sexy. So yeah, beauty is fleeting.  But let’s not pretend that looks don’t matter, because we all know damn well they do. And don’t act like “society” is some abstract concept, being all judgmental and shit beyond our reach. Society is not just other people. You are society, and you care about beauty. You helped make the beauty rules by continuing to follow them. (This statement makes perfect sense, don’t try to analyze it).

Being pretty is such a determining factor in life, you guys. It’s the one biggest card you can play…if we were playing spades right now, the beauty card would be like the big joker. It’s the best one you can get and you’re always  gonna win your hand with it. Being born attractive is more important than being born wealthy, or being born a genius, or being born a particular race. It gives you so many opportunities and shapes your personality and life experiences to fucking infinity and beyond. Like, it always seems like really beautiful people, especially females, have the most boring, vanilla personalities. That’s because they never had to use anything but their looks to get people to care about them. All they had to do was show up and be like look how fucking gorgeous I am! and everyone else would be like hell yeah i’ll hang out with you/give you this job/date you, you sexy beast! I have this theory that every cool, interesting person that is also hot is only cool and interesting because they were late bloomers or something, and they had to experience being ugly ducklings and developed a kick ass personality to make up for it. It’s not scientific or anything but it makes so much sense, right? Yes I think it does. I know it does

So like I was saying like a month ago, I think I’m a pretty good looking young  lass, if I do say so myself. No, I’m not trying to say that makes me better or more important than anyone, but it’s there. And if I’m being honest with myself, it matters much more to me than it should. I try to not think about it and I play it off as irrelevant, which it is in a lot of ways, but the truth is my looks are such a big part of my life and I can’t help but feel lucky and relieved that I’m a pretty person. I know that’s shameful and shallow, but shit, I can’t help it. And it’s not even like I’m fucking Angelina Jolie gorgeous or anything. My looks can get me out of traffic tickets and get me play with some cute guys, but I don’t like, stun and dazzle people with my beauty. And you know what’s sad? I wish I was that stunning, because I’m not satisfied with being merely pretty. I get jealous of girls who look better than me. And it makes me mad and disgusted with myself because I know it shouldnt be that serious and I should not care. Damn Kid!

But really you guys. I’m all for striving to create a more tolerant, less superficial society, but people should stop acting like beauty is of no consequence, because IT”S JUST NOT TRUE DAMMIT! Stop saying everyone is beautiful.Everyone is not beautiful. Some people are really ugly, hideous even. The concept of beauty is exclusive by definition. Everyone cannot be physically attractive. But that doesn’t mean everyone can’t be worth something. Beauty is not ultimately relevant, and that’s a lesson society needs to learn. And by society, I mean me. But at the end of the day, despite all my stupid vain concern about my looks, I still would rather lose them tomorrow than lose my unique, bomb ass personality or anything else that’s on the inside and that makes me feel like less of a terrible person. Pow pow bang! Goodnight you guys

Yeah, that’s right. The Kid got her heart broken a little while back, and it still hurts a lot. Like every day when I wake up and every day when I go to bed and  90% of the time in-between. I mean, I don’t really broadcast it and I go on with my everyday life because I’m not about to become pathetic and emo over no nigga, but still. I used to think people were just being dramatic pussies when they talked about how bad a broken heart hurts. But now I get it. Fuucccckkk man.

The thing is, it’s really my own fault because I did what Snoop Dogg and Biggie warned me to never do. I loved them hoes. And once I started, I couldn’t stop. Because when you love somebody for REAL for real, the love is always there, no matter what happens. No matter how much time passes, you still love them.  No matter what they do to you, you still love them. So guess what? They do whatever the fuck they want to, because they know that in the end, when it comes down to it, they’re still gonna mean the world to you. And the worst part is, there is absolutely nothing you can do about changing your feelings. SO you’re stuck in this wack ass Catch-22. You’re upset and unhappy half the time when you’re with them because it seems like it’s their personal mission to make you fall harder and harder in love and then  hurt you as badly as possible. So you decide to say fuck it and move on, but then you’re still upset and unhappy because you’re not with the person you love. So you go back to them because you just know there’s nobody else for you and everythings all fairy tale shit again, but then you get burned. Once again. So you say fuck it and…..you see what I mean? And I guess there comes a time when you gotta decide if how happy the person can make you cancels out how bad they can hurt you. And the answer, for me at least, is Fuck No. But I for REAL for real loved him, and that’s not going anywhere anytime soon. So now my heart’s broken and I cry like a bitch made pussy. And my heart will never belong to anybody else, even though he doesn’t even want it anymore.

And that, sir or madame, is why you definitely should not under any circumstances love them hoes.

No, really, to be completely honest, I smoke weed almost every day. Ashamed? I should think NOT! Weed is for everyone, the children, the teenagers, the elderly, the married, the single, the straight and the gay, the fat and the skinny, the nerds and the cheerleaders, and I refuse to be stigmatized by anybody’s narrow minded perceptions.  Everyone should free their minds, that’s my position. But anywho, I smoked a blunt this morning and I just thought Man, it would be a really good idea to write a blog only when I’m high. I feel like I could be so much more creative and bring the realness so much harder, nah mean? I feel like I figure out the secrets to life when I’m blown, but then forget them when I come down. BUT! if I write down all the secrets that I discover, they will never be beyond my reach! Fuck, man, sometimes I think I’m a god damn genius. The world should send God a gift basket for blessing them with me.